UrbanSkies

Matriculation Ritual

It's that time of the year again, when mom and pop load up the ol' station wagon, drive to the big city, and kick junior out at the curb to attend the big city school known as The University of Texas at Austin. Then they rush home, and that's when the *real* party begins!

Yes folks, it's the beginning of the fall semester.

It's a yearly ritual that is familiar to us staff members. Signs that summer has ended abound. Parking on campus turns atrocious. Clueless parents turn the wrong way down one-way drives, both downtown and in the parking garage. Walking along The Drag is impossible because the "homeless" suddenly appear begging for money. If that doesn't keep you away, the endless organizations distributing fliers, or the dealers selling newspaper subscriptions, or the credit card giveaways should do the trick.

Last Thursday, Holly and I ate at Double Dave's Pizza (best pepperoni rolls ever!). We sit strategically in one of two booths by the window, for maximum eye candy viewing. The other one is filled shortly thereafter by "homeless" people. The guy reaks to high heaven. The girl is incredibly obese (very un-homeless like) and her boobs are falling out. I overhear their conversation about how much money they've got that day. Then the girl complains that a homeless guy asked her for money. She was insulted that her breathren couldn't identify her. "Just because I didn't dress homeless today doesn't mean I am not one of us," she bellowed. Ya. OK.

Then, as if God Himself opened the floodgates, thousands of identically dressed girls poured forth from West Campus. Unbeknownst to me, it was Greek Rush Day. I don't get fraternities and sororities...never have. So several dozen of these automatons march in to the Double Daves. The "homeless" people start asking them questions, trying to be all cool. "You're joining a sorority? Cool. Is that why everyone's wearing the same shirt? Cool." As soon as they're done with the rushees, they turn to their own conversation where they openly bash the girls. "Look at these cattle all wearing the same things!" "They're all the same, wearing the same shirt!"

Nothing but pure class. While I may think the same things, I don't openly diss the girls after chatting them up. Perhaps it's this lack of social skills that leads to their job of being "homeless". And yes, it's a job. Especially these younger ones; they have cars and a home, and just come down here because new students give them money. Hang out around sundown and watch them get in their cars and head home. Also, refer to the previously mentioned convo regarding "dressing homeless". They're not homeless; that's just their jobs. And that's why I put "homeless" in quotes: to differentiate between them and the real homeless of this city who need help.

I'm not too far from starting up the "Bond for Mayor" campaign. The biggest plank in the platform: round up the "homeless" and ship them off to San Antonio. Look for a website and official announcement soon.

Ok, off the soapbox and back to the original topic. The campus is chock full of new students. I swear they're more attractive each year. UT must require a headshot with each application, because my head perpetually swivels from side to side taking in everything. I'm like a kid in a candy store. The problem is that each fall, I'm a year older, and that makes me one step closer to being "Uncle Creepy". I'm only 27, but looking at 19 year-olds is becoming a little more weird.

Another great sign of the season is the sudden appearance of the Jesus Fan Clubs around campus. The "Christians on Campus" group always has a table across from the business school, offering water to passers by. As I walked to my office this morning, I noticed they've been bumped across the street, and a new organization, "The Navigators", moved in...and they're offering pizza! That's the first time in my 9 years (9 YEARS! OMG!!) on campus that competing Jesus Clubs have competed for real estate. It's almost like Lowe's and Home Depot: whenever one opens up, the other builds a store across the street. Coming back from lunch, I noticed a third Jesus Club, "Hope 242", is on the same corner as The Netscape Browsers, er Navigators. I don't think they're giving anything away, so I'm not sure what their gimmick is. But they better come up with something quick before they're walmarted* out of town.

Stealing real estate and giving away pizza to crush the competition? Yes, that's what Capitalist Jesus would do.

*YAY for urbandictionary.com - I just submitted my very own definition.

Posted by Ben at August 23, 2004 02:28 PM